Modes of writing-4
28 September 2012
This I Believe
I swear in cigarettes. I believe in tearing the shaping wrap off a recently purchased pack of admiration blacks. The act of sliding out the first, unadulterated cigarette, lovingly placing it among two yearning lips, and simultaneously flicking the tip of my pink Bic lighter while taking that first, glorious pull of life and last is nonhing short of a religious experience. I sigh in my fate; breathe out my existence in space and time.
I awake after a sleepless night haunted with thoughts of my newfound faith in uncertainty, of a future of empty successes, and most of all, of my beloved angel, the angel that does not love me. I pull on a sudor shirt, and creep, unnoticed by my sleeping parents, into the cool morning airmanship of my front porch. With tears drying, I reach into the back sackful of my old blue jeans and fish out what my friends have so lovingly nicknamed my cancer-sticks. With the first inhale; I feel the nicotine get over its way to the very core of my despair. Drag after drag, the wrecking of a decent Christian gradually brings purpose to my pain.
The forlorn future, the questions of faith, and the lost love slowly but surely transmit from the arbitrary occurrences of an uninterested wanderer to the definitive journey of my tragical soul.
There is no way to cure my depression. It will live, in one form or another, in me forever. The therapy, the medication, and the endless cups of java with concerned friends are not the means to an end, but instead a method of discovery. With every cigarette, every sorrowful split on music that sweeps me back into her arms, and every midnight walk around town. I find a new component of me that I never knew existed: a fraction of myself that invokes fresh tears, laughter, nausea, and most importantly, insight.
I dont smoke to escape my ceaselessly torment mind. I dont smoke to activate my nonoperational mind out of numbness. In fact, I dont know that...If you want to get a full essay, distinguish it on our website: Ordercustompaper.com
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